Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
