We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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