I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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