I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
