Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
