everyone is single if you try hard enough
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I will pee on everything he values.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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