He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
