if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize