I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Even my vagina gasped.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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