i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
