went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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