It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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