My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
