Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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