hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
The Olympian is in my bed
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
