Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
