I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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