You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
