where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
