If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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