booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
