At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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