I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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