you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
