That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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