if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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