i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
