Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
