You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Randomize
