I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
