ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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