All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Threesome in a minivan. New low
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
