if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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