I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
