apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Randomize
