I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Dignity is for republicans.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
