Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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