That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
