My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
