As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Randomize
