I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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