I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
