I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
