i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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