i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
