I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Randomize
