Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
party gras won. party gras always wins.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I did not marry a roomba.
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