awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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