I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
