Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
