Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize