Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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