i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
