The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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