I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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