Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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