So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
