I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
