Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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