Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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