I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Randomize
