I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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