Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
BRING THE BAGELS
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
