I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize