i permit you to call me
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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